Julestjerne

”All images passes through my eyes. One by one, back and forth. I can’t find the chapter I missed. It is gone. Could be a silly attitude or just an unspoken word. Doesn’t matter anymore. It is done.

Then I look through your eyes. Maybe I can find them there. No, not a sign. Happiness and desire were gone, all gone.

Trying once more, I have a glimpse of hope. Oh, it was just my iris reflecting yours.

My fears grow, each minute, each second, while you are away. They eat me alive like the old ladies drinking their Low Tea and eating pastries. Slowly and painfully. Disguising their suffering from a mediocre life without joy and pleasure. Swallowing their tea as they swallowed all the words not spoken. Nodding their heads with a yellow smile printed on their made up faces. Trying to wash the lump in their throats with hot tea. Hopeless. Their griefs are implanted, hard to remove.

Alone as I’ve never been before. A quiet loneliness surrounded by people, and forbidden to shout how miserable I feel. - Come on, girl! You are not alone – they say.

It isn’t true. But they say what it is convenient.

My loneliness, where I am trapped on my own shell. A shell used as a shield on the beginning, but it became my own disgrace. My loneliness where there is no way in, just out, and out is the final cut. Stuck. Bleeding. Wondering. Fearing. Smashing. Drying. Like the thousands of julestjerne I forgot to water because of my disposable and supposed happiness.”